Every fairy tale ends in it. Wedding vows include the steroid version: 'til death do we part. We are born and raised to believe that finding your "other half" is the ultimate life goal. Even the words "other half" are designed to make us feel incomplete. If I'm not in a relationship, I'm only half a person. What if we never find "happily ever after?" Are we doomed to a half-life?
We enter into relationships full of hope and promise. We get onboard the "Love Train." Every love song provides the road map. Thanks Lionel, Diana, Mariah and Luther for "Endlesss Love." No pressure there. Alas, as time goes on, we discover the only thing that is endless is our evolution. Things are going to change. We are going to change. Change is inevitable.
When a relationship starts to fall apart, we wonder where we went wrong. We hang on for far too long. Our parents did it. Their parents did it and damn it, we're going to do it. We become bitter, angry and hurt. 'Til death do we part turns into 'til I kill you do we part. No one can handle this much pressure. No one should have to. And guess what? It's okay.
Relationships have a lifecycle all their own, implanted within your own lifecyle. We fall in love for so many reasons. Emotional dependency, escape, security, companionship, desire to procreate and simple lust to name a few. The list goes on adn on. But where you are in your lifecycle at that point in time is no where near the person you're going to be as you jorney towards whatever destiny has in store for you. So what are the chances that your chosen one is going to grow in their own lifecycle in the same or a complementary manner to your own?
You may mesh perfectly today. But as time wears on, those little differences become other little differences, become major differrences. It's not your fault. It's not their fault. It just is. If you are to survive and grow, you must accept this simple adage. It Just is. While it sounds easy, it's one of the hardest thing in life to understand. I've seen so many beautiful people beat themselves and each other up because as time has moved on, they have changed. The bonds they once shared have evolved into chains that prevent them from progressing on their own personal paths. So as you stand at a crossroads deciding which path to follow, what do you do?
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I think we never questioned it because we have to have hope that it will all turn out okay. Without hope, we might as well pack it in. But think about it, what if "happily ever after" is something else than the norm? What if it's something completely wonderful that makes you happy? What if you could write your own fairy tale?
"what do you do"?
Be true to yourself... without hurting others. Still love the person even tho the relationship may be on diverging paths. Let each other go in love. Stop basing love on the premise of emotional dependency and fear. Let go in peace.
JB, mountain girl.
JB brings up some valid points. But can you be true to yourself without hurting others? At the end of the say, someone always gets hurt. But if you believe in a higher power, as long as your intentions are good, regardless of the outcome, you can continue your journey in peace. Is there any stronger power than intention?
I have asked myself that same question for years...with relationships and friends. I finished college wondering how it was possible that I'd grown so far apart from my best friends in high school. A few years later, I wondered the same about my college friends. And now, I wonder about friends from even just a couple of years ago. I have one of those mothers who runs in to my old friends and passes my phone number on so we can reconnect. I've actually stopped taking those calls becuase it is so upsetting to see, yet again, that I am such a different person that I can't connect at all people I used to share my life with. If I've "changed" so much in the last 10 years, how can I expect to find someone who will not only stick with me through future changes, and accept what I change in to, but that also evolves, personally, into someone with whom I'm still compatable. I agree that you can fall in love for a hundred different reasons, many of which progress, or regress, with time. I think the "right" couples stimulate change and growth within each other. I like to think that there is at least one person (a soul mate if you beleive in such a thing) that will find themselves on a similar path to mine, growing and evolving in ways that keep us happily co-existing, or love me enough to look past and work through the times when we don't.
LB: The last few lines of your post give us all hope.
To grow apart in a relationship is to loose focus. People set their sights in two directions rather than one. We become complacent without cooperating in the growth of a relationship. But to accept a life of growing apart as simply 'life', is the self denial of the missing elements within a relationship. Selfless cooperation while maintaining independence and personal growth is the foundation of a positive union.
To anonymous: Valid points indeed. However, so many relationships begin for the wrong reasons as stated by JB, that focus cannot be maintained on something that is obviously wrong and causing too much pain for everyone. After all, a good relationship shouldn't be that hard.
Dear Gettinby,
Just wondering why you would call yourself that, when you seem to take a deep and honest look at the world to share many opinions and insights about it. It strikes me as a bit of huge internal compromise. Do you need to get around something? Have your feelings become incidental to the main definition of your life? Is the real you getting by to maintain an investment you made in your life you are afraid to lose, that is so scary you will do anything to maintain it?
Maybe, you just simply meant, I have found a way to just live my life moment to moment, knowing how fleeting it really is. Maybe it is just better to get by. Maybe it is better than my way, get through, and go through to confront, be in, and find the truth in – to get to the next new moment.
You sound very blessed. To have love and then share it; Yes, very blessed.
Your favorite movies are interesting. They speak to the many forms that love takes, good and not so good. That somehow you understand that just because a relationship doesn’t look like what we were raised to define as “normal”, if there is love there and people are not getting hurt, but rather reciprocally lifting each other up and being each other’s champion, that’s a positive thing. It seems the movies show you are not afraid of the daunting odds people face. But more so, that how they redeem themselves and transform their lives inspires you. The characters come to terms with whatever life has dealt them and come out whether they live or die, standing in their own truth, value, knowing their purpose and worth. It sounds that you recognize “change”. That is why I questioned the name you gave yourself.
I re-read your “insides”, your words I guess I meant. It seems to me that you are a very intelligent guy, concerned with the world, are simplifying things or at least trying to, would rather take part, than take care of others, but have found that difficult to do or something you have had as a deep seated part of your being for a long time. It seems you are sick of controversy, shallowness, spoiled rotten people, lies, compromise and unfairness, but you are also too tired to want to take a stand about it anymore. Perhaps it is because it made no difference. Perhaps you would rather pick and choose where you expend that energy. Perhaps the core of you realizes it is your time to spend energy on you. Perhaps as you stated in one of your blogs, “Alas, as time goes on, we discover the only thing that is endless is our evolution. Things are going to change. We are going to change. Change is inevitable.” You also described relationships and said, “The bonds they once shared have evolved into chains that prevent them from progressing on their own personal paths. So as you stand at a crossroads deciding which path to follow, what do you do?” It made me curious to ask, “what are you doing?’
That really got me thinking. I have depended on many people to define my life. There are many reasons why and it really doesn’t matter, except my truth and my ability to sense the truth was destroyed and that is hard to recover from. What matters is that I recognize it once again. I have been thrust into standing in it for myself again. This time, I am being patient and kind to myself, rather than hard and mean. I am tending to myself, rather than tending to everyone else. I am depending on me. I am taking small steps. I am observing others that have hurt me time and time again, so called friends, family, even co-workers and am looking for what even the most ungraceful parts of them and how they treated me, I can learn from. You know, the spoiled ones, the “I get what I want ones” – they do get what they want, even if it is at the expense of others, but at least they are taking care of themselves first, getting people to do their work, their chores, whatever so they can maintain a balance. Even the mouse types, that say they love you and then go hide away when the true test of their commitment to you is staring them in the face. They are wishy-washy with whom they align themselves with, because they have walk to the path of least resistance to survive. There are also the self-serving, self-indulgent ones that will abuse anyone to get their way. They are very impetuous and have to have what they want immediately. They and the spoiled ones get along because it is like looking at each other in a mirror and stroking each other’s egos. At least they have egos, albeit unhealthy ones. I was always taught to not have an ego. I have learned to take something from even bad behavior, to learn how it can be used in a positive way to enhance my life. I know that I don’t necessarily have to live without these people, but I can live in ways that work for me. I want to walk towards humanity. You stated this so eloquently in another blog you wrote which makes a different point, but rings true about my current state of being;
“As we become more engaged with technology and increasingly disengaged from our humanity, we have much to lose. We lose the ability to really listen. We lose the ability to read people and really understand them. We lose the art of conversation and persuasion. Our friends simply become contacts and address book entries. Due to the constraints of texting, we ourselves begin to abbreviate our real feelings. We are at risk of becoming more introverted and unable to say what really want to say right up front and face to face where it really counts.”
I have found this to be very true and even when I attempted to speak real feelings; they were avoided, dismissed or spun to benefit everyone but me.
A great friend of mine summed it up for me by calling the world that we currently live in and the values of the people living in that world, the disease of “affluenza”. Somehow, she did not have to go any further to define it. That said it all. I also work in advertising, like you and although you did not share your age, I can tell by what and how you express yourself that you too are around this particular disease in your professional life and you have lived some life past your associates. It is a tough one. It stunts communication and lasting dialogues. It squelches relationships. It carries over into our personal life as well. It makes love die. Some one else very close to me once said, “Love doesn’t always die with a loud bang, but rather, maybe even more sadly, with a whimper.” I would love to hear your thoughts on that in your next blog.
Thanks,
Inittogetthroughit
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